I was a only a first grader when I had my first taste of crime. I had a neighbor that lived kitty-corner across the alley from me and he was a bad seed. Well, apparently... That's what my mom said anyway. A bad influence for sure, a bad seed --- he was a first grader, how bad could he have been? What is true is that he taught me that it was really easy to just take candy from 7-11. So... shoplifting.I knew that it was wrong, but my mom didn't let me have candy very often. It was all tiger-milk cookies and carob bars at my house. Once the aforementioned bad seed showed me how easy it was, I just couldn't stop. The worst part was that this particular 7-11 (pictured--on Chicago Ave in Oak Park, IL--it's still there!) was right on my 3 block walk to school.
It doesn't take a supergenius to figure out that something is amiss when the same kid comes into the store every day at 2:45, always goes over to the candy aisle and never buys anything. The jig was up after a week or two. Now, remember that this was 76 or 77 and I was in Chicago. The afro on the clerk was at least 6 inches and she was rail thin and 6 feet tall if she was a foot. She towered. And she had zero sense of humor. Grim. I was scared of her before she busted me. Everything was going according to plan and proceeding as usual... I had watched until she was helping someone at the register and then I put the candy bar in my pocket. I walked out the door and started walking across the parking lot towards the corner where the crossing guard was waiting to help me across Chicago Avenue. I was just barely out the door before I had taken the precious chocolate out of my pocket and started opening it as I walked. She swooped down on me like a nazgul and said (I'll never forget this) "Gimme back that Kit-Kat!" And with that she spun me around knelt down and yelled at me "I don't evuh want ta se you in my store again!" And that was it. The worst part was the sobbing embarrassmentt when I had to wait for the crossing guard. I don't think she said anything to me. Not that I even looked up at all. I was absolutely crushed.
It's all hella funny now, though!
A lot of kids have similar experiences. I think they're really interesting to hear 'cause it's those common experiences that bring us together and excite us. I mean, does that make sense? I love the weird and unusual but I think that deep down that's just because I've always liked to identify as "outsider." You know? I and we as a race mostly seek community. So even in having a passion for Tuvan throat singing or exotic beer or whatever, it's ultimately the identification with the unusual in-and-of-itself that forms that initial bond. A genuine taste or affinity can follow, but attraction is so basic. It's just not that subtle. Anyway... That's a whole other topic, and, as usual, I'm late for bed. Tomorrow's an early morning too. Yikes.
4 comments:
A childhood friend of mine named Laurie taught me all about shoplifting from the White Hen Pantry in St. Charles, Il around '89.
Laurie wasn't really a bad girl, and not so far as I could tell. It was my neighbor to the left that was. She boasted about how she had smoked four cigarettes! In retrospect, she was probably lying, right? But who knows. Anyway, Laurie lived across from me and the White Hen was a few blocks away past the houses and on a major street where all the buisnesses were. What she stole were trading cards for cartoon shows! It's so strange how I forgot about this up until now, but she came back once from a trip to the White Hen with 10 packs of cards!
The only time I can actually remember stealing for certain was at a Wal-Green's near the White Hen, and I stole a pack of Halloween stickers. I loved Halloween and with the stickers I imagined I could throw a Halloween party and I was so excited.
Laurie told me that the way she stole the trading cards was by putting them in her shoe. I *may* have stolen cards from there in a similiar fashion, but I don't remember. I probably chickened out.
I'll be keeping a close eye on you if you ever come visiting.
Funny, I never shoplifted much, which is probably why I never got caught. My crowning achievement was the hardback of Stephen King's uncut The Stand...the best karmic moment would probably be when I stole some underwear from Yardbirds (because I was tired of boring white jockeys) and they didn't fit.
I sure hope there's a statute of limitations on this stuff. I don't want any of us to get in trouble.
Halloween stickers sound like a great choice. I actually paid for my wackey-packages with allowance money, but more about that later. I couldn't buy them at 7-11, that's for sure.
Rummy --- dare I ask? Was it RED underwear that you stole?!? When I was in the first grade, the biggest insult you could impart on someone was to tell everyone that they were wearing red underwear!!! I hope it was red.
Well, you stole my heart.
Boom! Ba-bang! Ka-ching!
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